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Uh oh. I think I have Swine Flu… 30 April, 2009

Posted by paralleldivergence in Humor, jokes, Life.
Tags: , , , ,

I had a little nap after work, and when I awoke, I found myself covered in rashers. On the news they showed up the phone number for the Swine Flu information line, so I rang them up to get some advice. Problem was I couldn’t make out a word they were saying. All I heard was crackling.


So these rashers were starting to really bother me, and I decided I’d better go to the chemist to get some oinkment. When the chemist asked me how I got the rashers, I told him, but he said my tale was a curly one and that I was telling porkies. But I persisted and it quickly became obvious that I was starting to boar him, so I left. It was then I realised that the flu hadn’t affected my urges because the policewoman that I passed as I left the shop was a Babe!

On my way home, I swore I could smell truffles, so I investigated a little in a mud hole. Fortunately this flu is not making me sweat. After some digging around I started to feel a little gilt, especially when the Rabbi walked past and totally avoided me. It was clearly time to sacrifice my goal to find the truffles as I didn’t want anyone to think I was being greedy. I mean it’s not fair to hog them all for myself. On the way back home, on the ground I found a pen and had a sudden feeling that I was already at home, when I wasn’t. Well, not really.

Back at home, I thought I’d better research this a bit. Jumped on the internet to find my email inbox full of messages. Unfortunately, it was all spam. Then I found an advice website by Mia Farrow. What an unfortunate name with this nasty virus going around. Anyway, fortunately I discovered the answer to all my problems. An oinkment made from salt, honey and maple syrup coated all over me and left on for a few weeks and I’ll be cured!



1. Davis - 1 May, 2009

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! Oh wait, probably not

2. Darren - 1 May, 2009

This is a serious worldwide problem. But this is hilarious!

3. Victor Davidson - 1 May, 2009

Best laugh I have had all day.

Oink, oink!

4. paralleldivergence - 1 May, 2009

Glad you liked it guys. FYI:

Farrow – A term which refers to the birthing process of pigs
Gilt – A female pig that has not yet given birth to piglets

There are no less than twenty separate “swine” references in this piece. Hope you spotted them all. 🙂

5. Marg - 1 May, 2009

Bloody great – I needed that laugh.

6. Ian - 2 May, 2009

You might have passed some people washing their trotters and of course if we believe all that then pigs might fly 🙂

Very good Stu

7. katie - 9 May, 2009

Hahaha.. I think I actually do have swine flu…. Arrgh!! Hahaa.. I am still laughing about it, my school will get closed, woo! Oh well, only some of us will die, and last night on the news they were saying that they have already found the cause and drugs 😀

8. kay ewins - 22 June, 2009

I think i have swine flu aswell haha this is rather funny

9. Friendlypig - 31 July, 2009

Hi Stu

Great storyline!

Had the symptoms, felt grotty for a few days and that was it. (Mind you it could have been almost losing the first Test at Cardiff! The one at Lords made me feel much better.

Did you catch the pronouncement from Ahmedinajad advising the citizens of Iran not to catch Swine Flu because that would be un-Islamic!!

You just couldn’t make these up.

Mind you with a name like mine I have ahead start.

paralleldivergence - 31 July, 2009

Hey Friendlypig. Fortunately there’s still a few test matches to go…

Friendlypig - 1 August, 2009

Grumble grumble grumble!!

Looks like the gremlin that ate my posts all those months ago has gone to find greener pastures.

10. Friendlypig - 5 August, 2009

I can’t speak for other countries but in the UK is appears that all those who have died have had serious underlying health problems, with the exception of the woman who was pregnant (which appears to be an issue in itself).

Apprentice wrinklies like me tend to get only a mild version, unlike the annual seasonal flu which attacks the more senior generations. Something to do with weakening immune system.

Who knows?

11. Remona Reichert - 4 April, 2013

In 2009, a new strain of the swine flu virus (N1H1) created a pandemic worldwide. The origins of this have been traced to South America. Prior to this, swine flu was not a virus which was easily spread from pigs to humans, and then from human-to-human thereafter.”

My blog

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